I saw this quote from Heather Lindsey and it captures my post today in a very apt way…
The first few years of marriage is a dicey one…that is the period the true colors of your better half begins to show, (good or bad)
This period you begin to realize I did not marry my photocopy but someone with a mind and will of their own, different background and upbringing…oh he’s a bed hugger; oh she’s a malice keeper…ah! She sleeps naked; oh no! he sleeps fully clothed; she leaves the door opened, he never makes the bed when he gets up and so on and so forth…serious and not so serious realizations and accusations.
Tension becomes rife and you begin to wonder…if you asked God before you married your spouse and he gave you the go ahead…at this point you begin to wonder did I hear right, is this the same person who promised to love and cherish me?
If you married in line with God’s approval, and you are ready to work with him there is hope for you… you realize it’s a merger not an up or down situation and because God is involved from the foundation you begin to grow, shed the wrong ideas you entered with and the battle ready weapons you came with and over time those things which were issues before, become none issues.
I had issues; mine was anger and malice (hidden under the name ‘silent treatment’) and I just had to say my mind, I felt I owed it to myself and my husband to tell him what he was doing wrong… what a self-righteous mentality!
Well, I did not see myself that way then… looking back now I cringe at my words.
God revealed the anger issue and I prayed about it, I tried reasoning things out with myself rather than jumping to conclusion and I also gave myself pep talk about how boring it will be if people agreed with me all the time… I woke up one day to discover those things that pissed me off before are no issue now, I am a lot calmer… even my husband testifies to that fact (LOL)
The silent treatment…well I discovered it does not solve anything, it’s just a cheap form of blackmail and it does not even work on my husband anyways; also my conscience will not stop telling me the 1001 reasons why I should talk to him, and let go. So, I have decided malice/silent treatment is a waste of my energy and peace of mind. When the temptation arises, I receive sense immediately.
My tongue…now this is a hard one. You know how you know this is not okay or it’s going to hurt, but you still go ahead and say it because you have convinced yourself you just have to say it, the person needs to hear it or because you want to hurt the person…how did it go for you, did you feel good afterwards?
Sometimes we do not even think about the words we are vomiting out… I remember someone once telling me, I don’t know how to hide my opinion, I have to be real…(rolls eye)please give me another line… on using my tongue well I learnt:
The fact I do not agree with your behavior and opinion does not make me right and you wrong…I had to learn this; I am still learning it, difficult as this was to swallow.
People must not always do things my way or method, God made us different for a reason and I do not have monopoly on good/great ideas…so I had to learn how to shut up and bite my tongue even if I feel I have a ‘better’ way, and I have learnt a lot of great new things even from my children.
I cannot change people or their mind no matter how persuasive I am except the person is ready to change because I am not the Holy Spirit, I will only exhaust myself and frustrate the other party.
My words have to be seasoned with salt, (Col 4:6) not seeking to correct by attack or making someone feel guilty… hurting someone because I hurt.
I have not attained yet, I keep reminding myself everyday…I still fall and I repent immediately; telling God I was wrong in my choice of word and asking for grace to shut up and wisdom to weigh my words.
I use Joyce Meyer’s method when I want to lash out, blurt out or air those criticism or opinions…God help me, help me help me to keep quiet… because my husband deserves better, my children, colleague, siblings, the world at large and even I deserve much better and like James 3:11 said fresh and bitter water cannot come out from the same source
When we say we want to air our views…or rush in to blurt out what is on our minds…hold up!
Do we really have to say it? Really?
So, what are you saying?